Mummy doesn’t get to go out very much now she has children but when she does go out she tends to get absolutely shitfaced.
After 7 Jagerbombs she forgets she has children and the responsibilities of the next day seem somewhat obsolete.
At 5am Mummy remembers she has children when she is woken up by Tim who has had a toileting incident.
Normally Daddy would be on hand to help with childcare duties but unfortunately he is lacking in sympathy after being woken up at 3am because Mummy forgot her keys and how to act like a civilised human being.
The twins have swimming lessons at 10am and it is up to Mummy to get them there on time.
Capable Louise is there, on time, with her 50 well behaved children. Capable Louise has just been out for a run yet still looks dewy and serene in her expensive leisure gear.
Capable Louise watches the swimming lessons avidly and shouts out encouragements to her children! Mummy stalks people she hates on social media and tries not to be sick.
The children are hungry after their swimming lessons. Capable Louise has brought pitta bread, homemade hummous and granola bars.
Mummy gives Topsy and Tim 20 quid to spend on the vending machines.
Mummy is exhausted. She is looking forward to heading home and putting Paw Patrol on for three solid hours – but then Capable Louise lands a devastating blow…
‘See you at Bobby’s 5th birthday party!’
Oh dear Mummy had forgotten. Bad Mummy.
‘Where is the party?’ Mummy asks the twins.
‘The party is at Build A Bear stupid!’ they chime.
For those unfamiliar with Build A Bear – it is a popular party venue and also the seventh circle of hell.
They get to the party and everyone is having a lovely time. Except for Topsy.
Topsy is being a right little dick and despite being told that the party guests are only allowed a basic budget bear she wants a sodding rainbow maned, flying, ballerina unicorn on roller-skates.
NO WAY is Mummy buying that thing – she has never seen anything so terrifying in her life!
The combination of the rainbow rollerskating unicorn, the bright lights and Topsy’s incessant whining is too much! Mummy starts to hallucinate!
Topsy becomes so upset at the prospect of leaving the store without the twatting flying unicorn on acid that she vomits her Wotsits and Skittles vending machine lunch all over it. This is the final straw for Mummy who throws up all over Capable Louise’s expensive running shoes and collapses onto the floor.
Bobby starts crying. Everything is ruined.
Tim is very worried about Mummy and Topsy. It is a good thing clever Mummy taught him how to make emergency calls!
The police are less than happy that they have been called out to Build A Bear to deal with a rather pathetic middle aged woman’s hangover. They drive Mummy, the twins and the vomit soaked rainbow rollerskating unicorn back home and issue her with a caution for wasting police time.
Daddy is waiting at the door.
He makes the mistake of laughing.
Mummy hits him in the face with a chair.
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)
I love you and your book. You are just ‘on the money’ every time! Ignore the rotters. I have 2 children who are 5 and 7 who are up to exactly the same antics !!! This is what you need to do next !!! Some comedy about PTA’s . I could tell you some stories!! Keep us in mind for your comedy show !!! You’ll be on TV next !! Charlie and all the PTA guys and gals
hnanksa tKsatie, i luv yer worl hen. ykiybe dine fab by m,e in represnting my views and opinionsm relayyh i just wanr trio dio the job you fo on my dai-tlo0faty role within the Scotchj parliameny(see what i did there). i UKCIN HATE MY LIL’ NRATY, and thuis helos me get thnrough the dya
Ta v. mcun ChadyMummy
Thank you for making me laugh! I was feeling sorry for myself after a super crap day, and thought nothing could cheer me up, but you did. Very familiar with swimming parents, vomiting up of vending machine junk food and kids always whining about what they don’t have, rather than being grateful for what they do have!
Yassssssss! Thissssss!. Children are soo ungrateful. No matter what you do or buy them they always want more. I’m quite poor so we buy our toys from the pound shop. They always cry about the 1 thing you don’t buy whilst ignoring the 10 things in the basket.
Capable Louise hahaha! That broad is the pits.
Well done mumma for making all us other mummas feel empowered that is natural to need to get sloshed, let loose, love your kids but struggle many days to be the best you can be
Your an inspiration I’m working my way through a bottle right now toasting you!
Kids asleep finally
Funny as Fuck
Why do all the swimming/footie/gymnastics etc lessons start so early??? It’s criminal! Why can’t they start at 3pm in the afternoon when everyone’s fully awake!
I don’t even have kids, but this is still really well done. *subscribed*
I’m having to lol very quietly while hubby and daughter in bed… which is where I should be!
Really enjoy these posts as a Dad. Brilliant stuff. Keep it up!
All the way from Canada: your blog is wonderful. Especially after a shit day. Take that literally or figuratively.
Tonight was swimming. With Two girls. 1.5yrs and 5yrs. Daddy claimed flu and went to bed. Fuck. Called Grandma to the rescue. I went in the pool with smaller me and Grandma watched older kids lessons.
I got out and dealt with smaller me. Grandma and bigger kid show up with bigger kid pouting all the way. “What’s up?” I say (I should not have). Grandma gleefully fills me in how kid does not listen, almost kills other child by jumping and somehow is also responsible for grandma’s broken foot. Le sigh. Made correct noises about discipline while not really caring that much….
Got home. Fed both kids snack of cheesies while dealing with swimming crap. Put on TV. Husband dead to world. Put smaller me to bed. Got my wine and also ate cheesies. Watching some super shit Netflix show and do not care.
So. Cheers from the Great White North. Hurrah for bedtime! And more wine…
Im not a parent so I no idea what the fuck im talking about, but… Is the reason kids wake up at 5am that they are sent to bed at 7pm? Thats like 10h. No idea what the solution would be life sized hamster wheels with ipads attached maybe
No – the reason they wake up at 5am is to annoy parents.
If you send them to bed later then 7pm you deal with a grumpy, over-tired, whining child in the evening and then they STILL get up 5am and are grumpy, over-tired and whiney in the morning too!!
I read it 3 times on FB laughing . Hallelujah praise the Jagerbomb . Thanks Katie
Ha ha love it. Spot on with Capable Louise. There’s always one!
Love you, love your work!
Oh my god….. can’t…..stop….laughing….
Oh. So. FUNNY. CRYING WITH LAUGHTER!!!
Wonderful to know I’m not the only crazy biatch mum out there….bloody hell I miss working,don’t know how I had the time.,almost 15 yr old son who’s almost six foot and eats like a horse while blithering the average huh,what and arrh,yeah language and almost 8 yr old ranga mini me on roids who’s smarter than me with non stop answers to everything and answers back when I don’t want and doesn’t respond when I do…life as a mum..but no man about,just a knob who gives up $12.07 a month so he can say he’s a dad.hahahahaha
I’ve got nothing else to say other than ROFL :D
I have tears streaming down my face with laughter…
Ha! I thought mummy was hitting daddy with a giant 4. Which would have been ironic for a 5th birthday …
This is just the best discovery I’ve ever come across . I laughed so so hard ….a little bit of pee came out and I’m not even ashamed
yep. This is a winner! spot on! haha capable louise, yep theres always one! x
funniest take on life with kids yet, love it, please don’t stop.
Topsy and Tim – the bits they dont want to see! Haha love it, not experienced a build a bear party yet thank god!
This is the funniest blog I’ve read in a long time. Laugh out loud hilarious. You’re a genius. I can’t possibly buy your book though, because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to afford the chicken nuggets to fill my own two devil spawns’ tummies – or the wine that keeps me sane. :)
Hi – thank you so much for your book and for this story in particular. I laughed so much that I cried! I’m not sure when was the last time it happened! This is sooo true – the evening out before the birthday party, the swimming pool and capable Louise – I lived it all (a part maybe from the police – not yet!). I think I’m surrounded by capable Louises and did not know that …maybe… actually… I’m also normal! Thanks so much and keep going!