Not everybody knows this but when you give birth to your first child you also give birth to a little fairy. She’s kind of like Tinkerbell but WAY uglier and a total bitch.
Instead of carrying a wand she carries around a shovel of shit which she cracks into your skull whenever she feels like you are doing a bad job. Which it transpires, is quite a lot.
The purpose of this fairy is to make you feel guilty about stuff from the get go, her first job revolves around the birth itself…
Next she moves onto the way your child is fed. She has lots of fun with failed breast feeders…
And she has an absolute field day if you dare to go back to work after maternity leave…
As your child grows so does her hit list…
One of the main things I feel bad about is not wanting to play incredibly tedious imaginary games with my kids for hours on end. The Shitty Guilt Fairy knows I hate these games and she loves to make me feel terrible about it…
She also knows I enjoy a bit of time out and she hates to see me relaxing and having fun…
She’d much rather I did more wholesome things with my free time like helping out at school or volunteering at the summer fete…
Unfortunately there is not much you can do to remove the Shitty Guilt Fairy from your life, she will likely stay with you in varying forms and strength until you die.
However you can quieten her down for a bit with the help of her nemesis – logic. Logic is hidden deep inside your brain, surrounded by a forest of bullshit.
Since becoming a parent you may have found it harder to access logic but it is still there, if you shut your eyes real tight, close the magazines and stay off of scary facebook groups, then sensible rational thoughts will start to flow again…
The Shitty Guilt Fairy HATES being called a waste of time!
It makes her feel weak and vulnerable thereby providing the perfect opportunity to throw an abundance of logic at her and stamp on her wings until they are mangled to fuck.
(But it’s best not to do it in public cos people give you funny looks).
Sadly her wings are easily repairable and in no time at all she will be flapping about your head again like an annoying mosquito that you just can’t seem to swat. In such situations I would recommended drowning the bitch in wine because wine is the solution to most* of life’s problems…
*except alcoholism.
**************
P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)
OMG YES!
Is it possible to live without guilt? like you say no matter how much you know it makes no sense it just will not go away., evil thing!
That’s brilliant!!! Ha ha!
But a bit sad too. Stupid fairy.
Hope you crush it good.
Also, I really hope they make that peppa pig episode.
X
I love everything about this post. Absolutely everything. I’m off to go step on a damn fairy.
That’s homophobic
Ha ha ha – THIS!! Hilarious and brilliant. WE all need to get rid of her somehow xx
Thanks so much for this post, as a full time (!) working Mum of one (yes I know, only one!) I have real issues with guilt! I don’t know about you but I find my Guilt Fairy particularly likes the ‘helpful’ throwaway comments that fall out of people’s mouths so easily that mean nothing to them, but the Guilt Fairy LOVES those the very very most!!! Keep hoping the cat will eat her… the fairy that is! Thanks for keeping me sane xx
I am a mother of 3, grandmother to 7 and great grandmother to 5 !! I still don’t know everything ffs so who am I to tell any of the mothers in my family what is the right way/wrong way to bring up children!!
What’s right is what feels right to you and who ever you share parenting with. Wrong is anything that puts your children in physical or moral danger………with the majority of parents that is never going to happen.
I think that my kids survived on what, sometimes, could have been described as loving neglect :/ I sent them to school when I thought they were pretending to be ill, just to get a day off…….sometimes…… I was wrong and they were ill. I made happy, “you are not hurt but you have made a hole in that floor” comments when they fell over !! I chased my daughter round the house trying to put a plaster on her, she was going through a phase of being scared of plasters!! When my eldest son brought his first girlfriend home I was aghast at her appearance!! When it looked like she was a fixture I told her to do something with her hair as it looked “like an explosion in a mattress factory!” she still speaks to me lol
My kids are ALL very different, the boys have provided me with all the grandchildren who have delighted me with my great grandchildren, they also have chosen to live at the other side of the world where they have great jobs and a wonderful lifestyle!!
My daughter lives to be free, to travel, make music and has a vast thirst for knowledge. My daughter and her partner have chosen not to have children and that is their choice. Some of my acquaintances ask when she is going to “settle down” “get a real job” “have children” etc My reply is that she is free to do whatever she wants with her life and that has nothing to do with them or for that matter with me and her dad!!
This prolonged comment goes to show that your “growing with your children” is very much an ongoing thing. The goalposts will be moved many times. Its one hell of a ride but when you look back as I do now the sheer magnificence of it will make you grin from ear to ear!!
Hahah hilarious and so true!
My shitty guilt fairy is called my Mother in law It’s made so much worse by the amazingness of my Sister in law, and her ability to be a Mum which is then highlighted to me, at every opportunity, on social media x ffs x
Thank you “Me”. I echo this, although my MIL is not social media savvy (a blessing I acknowledge).
Im sure your sister in law is shit totally shit at times….those that post happiness is posting to prove it to themselves a lot of the time…..fuck her fuck your mother in law.
There will be something that you do, that they wish they could. just do the things you love in parenting and try hard on the bits you hate, don’t beat yourself up. Oh and ive learnt to only tell the people you truly know are on your level that you’re having a shitty day, otherwise you’ll be used as someone’s feel good boost. They will forever think you’re a mum thst does a shit job or has shit kids all because once you ranted about what little bastsrds they were! Friends without kids make all the right sounds but secretly think they’d never be like that when they have kids and they will fart rainbows, and other people will enjoy the fact that your are struggling to make them feel a little less shitty. So with your in laws only see them when you’re at your best!
Tell your mother in law to do one and your sister in law that her “perfect” little bubble will burst soon, if not already! If not, tell them to go forth and multiply!!!!!
Could be a case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with one or both of them. My mother has it and spends her life either directly or indirectly criticising me – makes for fun times for sure….!! Have learnt not to letit affect me and that even though I know she wouldn’t admit to her own shortcomings, I am well aware of them. People like that will take the opportunity to make someone feel worse so that they themselves can feel superior because they are so insecure.
Oh yes!! I also would like to add breastfeeders guilt… I have succeeded at breastfeeding but it at expressing so guilt fairy likes to bitch at me that daddy hasn’t had those early feeding joys, you selfish cow….. I hate her!!!!
Love this more than i can say!! I think each child gets it own fairy. “Oh. I see you spending more time with the second child. I guess you love him more. ” “rocking him to sleep AGAIN?! she needs to learn her abcs.” And the fairy born with the child becomes very possessive of the child it was born with. “Well my child didn’t get a cookie, why can that one?” And on and on…
defo get that one, i have 5 kids amd yes every one of them has their own fairy.
Being a stay at home mum i think is just as hard sometimes with the guilt of leaving them in nursery. Our middle child (nearly 4) throws a tantrum every morning, screaming, crying, begging. it started about a month ago and it makes me cry everyday to leave him there like that. and then the bitch comes ‘your at home anyway your mean for leaving him there’
I laughed heartily… I too kill the inner guilt fairy with too much wine. Sage advice.
LOVE this! *Goes off to share with all my mummy friends and simultaneously finds wine to throw on guilt fairy because I’m reading blogs when I should be sorting out Baby Lighty’s bag for the childminder’s tomorrow*
This is the best thing I’ve seen all day. All week. Fuck that fairy.
I’m pretty sure if we say, “I don’t believe in fairies” then somewhere a fairy dies. I saw this in a documentary called, “Hook”.
Using that logic, we can kill her off if we’re willing to take the risk that the toothfairy might be a casualty of war? (I’m happy to take the risk….the toothfairy is a bit of an enamel loving wierdo in my book).
I love the post, thank you
I know this post and your comment are from months ago but I just found it (freaking spot on and hilarious!). I love your Hook as a documentary line! Fabulous!
When you have a kid with Autism that damn fairy gets extra ammo and SAS training.
♥
Love it! Love it so much!
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Very funny loved it til I got to the “wish I was adopted” statement. Mother to three adopted children, not sure it is a nice thing to be saying to be honest, and anyway, we adoptive mums feel like that too, so what are our children supposed to say, send me back?
Hi Karen sorry you felt like that. Obviously that wasn’t what he said or would ever say, it’s poking fun at the fact that children are actually bothered by minor indiscretions by their parents, of course they would rather be with the ones they love! X
As a fellow adoptive parent, I agree with Karen, and don’t think your reply really addressed her concern. Adoption is not just the punchline to a joke, it’s a necessary response to help children who have been neglected and/or abused by their birth parents. Their ongoing trauma is a reality for thousands of families and it’s bloody hard work for all concerned. ‘Sorry I was offensive’ would be more appropriate than ‘sorry you didn’t like it’. I suggest you read ‘No Matter What’ by Sally Donovan so you understand what you’re making jokes about.
Hi Carmen, thanks for your note. I can see it was a poorly thought out reference by me, it was meant to be a ridiculous notion and I hate to think I have caused upset to you and other adoptive mums for the clearly amazing job you do. I’ve remove the reference from the post, I’m very sorry x
But.. children DO say that… it’s a fact. It’s the opposite to the child who feels adoption equates to rejection from their own parents, which in effect it does, but that is a stage, and the vast majority see real parents as the person who loved and cared for them, whether a sister, brother, aunt, grandparents – whoever it is. “I wish I was adopted” is as likely a cry of rage as “I wish I wasn’t adopted. Just like those who have curly hair and vice versa.” Neither is a criticism, it’s just the contrary nature. The most important thing is to talk about the source of the rage – which is only a form of protest, with difficult emotions behind it. It’s our job as parents to help a child through that anger. But viewed with humour helps to normalise the situation. We realise every child says those things, every child feels those things, and rejection is a temporary thing. What’s most important is for it to be seen as it is, not something outrageous, but an important stage in development and learning about themselves and others and how to cope with feelings.
What my grandson recently said might be a more appropriate line: ‘I wish I belonged to another family!’
Agreed. My daughter said this to me week before last.
For crying out loud. It was a joke. And kids say things like that. If you want politically correct site you probably should go somewhere else. Jesus Christ.
Get over yourself adoptive mum & just have a bloody laugh like the rest of us! When we have to deal with mums like you, with zero sense of humour, at the school gates, well…hurrah for gin!!
Finally we have the confirmation that she’s real!
And what a bitch she is to us all
In my case the SGF made me read Gina Ford book and try and implement a routine on a 2week old! That lasted for about 3 months of a frenzied bfeeds, expressing instead of sleeping to increase supply, putting not sleepy baby to sleep for hours and then waking him up after 20 min because Gina’s schedule said so. Feeling guilty all the time never mind that the child was actually healthy and happy in himself. After 3 months I woke up from under SGF spell, stopped questioning myself and live relatively happy life of a child rearing Dumbo – if you switch off constant ‘read, check, evaluate’ part of the brain the fairy can’t get out to poke, prod and torture so easily. Loving it!
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much – and I’m a Nana and spend a lot of time looking after my two little granddaughters! Nearly crying with laughing! Believe me …. it never ends! *Reaches for the gin*
This did make me laugh… however I must be the nature’s only weirdo who never felt guilt even after noon breakfasts and midnight icecreams… everyone around me keeps saying I have a happy-go-lucky manner and that my daughter is the same as me, is that a veiled criticism? Honestly though I am happy to read your post as it strengthens my belief that what ever you do there will be some one to say u did it wrong so why bother ?? Smile… you get another chance to mess it all up tomorrow
I did not put down bloody Gina Ford (Who actually deserves the biggest SGF of all) because of my own SGF constantly reminding me that I was a crappy Mummy because I couldn’t get the routines to work. I put myself and probably my little boy through hell for 18 months and guess who pops round to remind me of that on a regular basis!
Oh no – I’ve bever done midnight ice cream!! Begone SGF!!
Absolutely loved this! True for when my two were tiny, and now as a grandma! I tend to go with “drown her in wine”
This is brilliant Katie, so true, but more than that, this is absolutely inspired. You are so creative, I LOVE how your mind works. Can’t wait for the book.
Spot on as usual Katie!! So funny. Can’t wait for your book :) xxx
All true. I choose to drown mine daily in a couple of glasses of red.
The guilt fairy starts before pregnancy. “It’s your fault your not getting pregnant”, “You have failed as a woman”. Even those that make the active choice not to have children: “Well, you must be a selfish bitch then”.
The guilt fairy is part of EVERY woman’s brain, mother or not. I’d love to drown her in wine, but that would reduce my chances of conception even more :-(
Absolutely! I don’t have children but the guilt fairy is a hard one to tame for women especially. Is it the way we were raised watching our own guilt ridden mothers or carers? Fuck all guilt fairies!! More logic, compassionate brain please
Brilliant !!!
Haha. Totally spot on.
I had the guilt fairy for the first few years of motherhood but decided I’d be better with a good pat on the back so I squished the guilt fairly with back slaps of self encouragement! Parenting from a place of guilt is debilitating tell yourself everyday that nobody can parent your child better than you and give yourself a well done pat on the back.
Hilarious and so so true x
Sorry to tell you this, but……. SHE NEVER GOES AWAY … my “children” are 38 and 36… I live in a different country! How dare I do that? Why am I not there to help? More recently – how dare I upset my son by voting differently from him in the referendum? It’s all my fault – everything is all my fault…… – My answer is to set a goat on her, that’ll fix her.
This was great to read and brought a smile and a chuckle from me. My ‘Baby” is now 25 and the guilt doesn’t stop with the baby and all the shitty comments about what other mothers do and what we do etc. The guilt continues on ladies I am afraid to say because those babies grow up and the comparisons from other people is always there. All I can say is try very very hard not to buy into it and squash that horrible fairy as often as you can
I do love visiting your site, because your ability to say it with one tiny picture trounces my ability to say it in words every single time. The breastfeeding picture here should be on a flash card. Well done. We all knows it, but you drew it.
This is spot on – I love it!!!
Fecking hilarious and to the point as always! Bravo!
I’ll be buying your book for my own pleasure…oh, but shouldn’t I spend the cash on broccoli for my kids instead? But no, they don’t even like broccoli….unless it’s wrapped in batter and cheese. Oh shit. I’m so terrible. I’m a shit mum. I’m going to buy some wine to cope with the realisation.
#fuck
#damnthatpeskyfairy
Xxxx
Love this so much!! Why is it that is mums never think we are good enough and have loads of guilt?! Bein a parent is a 24 hour 7 days a week job, and we all need some guilt free downtime! I loved the bit about the food, I’m bloody guilty as charged for cooking my kids shit food but I hate throwing good food away. Oh well…Ill just try and temp the SGF to join me for cake and get her so far so can’t fly. That will work right?!
Haha, this is awesome. SO SO true. Mum guilt is the worst! xx
This is all so true. Wish people would lighten up too, can’t even make a lighthearted post without someone getting their back up about something these days (I was adopted, didn’t find anything wrong with what she said, IT’S JUST WHAT SOME KIDS SAY fgs)
This made me laugh so incredibly much!!!! So funny and yet it’s so true! Why do we do these things to ourselves? We all do the best we can and none of us are perfect, so why do we always beat ourselves up about it? As long as the kids are alive, fed and not covered in poo by the end of the day then I think my day has been a success!!!!
I just laughed so hard I ‘m crying… thank you! Especially the camping bit, I will share!
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The shitty guilt fairy seems to be especially powerful in school summer holidays..,,
Shitty guilty fairy is spot on as every mom’s nightmare!
Can’t wait for your SGF spray.
I have also added your book for auto delivery from Amazon.
I really love this entry, I’m so bad at fixating on any moment where I feel a less than perfect mum. This reminds me that we’re all in the same boat and just need to stop worrying so much!
Love it ❤️ Who wants to be the perfect momma
This reminds me of when I was having trouble breastfeeding my first child. I was explain to my health visitor that my daughter (she was a few weeks old at this point) was crying and crying while I tried to breastfeed her and then sucked so happily when I gave her the bottle. My health visitor said, “Did you feel guilty when she did that?” and I replied that I did. Then she said one of the most brilliant things ever: “Yeah, they’re good at doing that to you,” and then reassured me that as long as my daughter was fed and happy, that was all that mattered. My logical health visitor saved my sanity on many occasions, that’s for sure.
Hilarious & spot on as usual! I felt guilty for not holding out a bit longer before being induced (you know it might have been a more natural birth than being prepped for emergency surgery & yanked out with forceps so big they are banned in certain countries – logic whispers that she was in a weird position and would have got stuck however I went into labour). Then I got the guilt about only breast feeding for 4 months before I gave up to go on my best friends hen do – I really needed that hen do after a really tough 4 months and I had the time of my life and found the old me! I do also have the not enjoying playing with barbies & guess who guilt, working almost full time guilt & have I fed them enough home cooked food guilt.
I love them & they love me so fuck it.
I am slightly annoyed by Karen & Carmens comments – if they follow your posts they should know the humour, that you mean no offence & therefore no need to comment at all. Well handled anyway & don’t change!
Love love love love! Sign me up for the biggest can of spray you’ve got! (And I’m so pleased that it’s not just me that finds imaginary game playing so tedious it makes my teeth hurt!) x
My eldest is 17 and the Shitty guilt fairy is still here… in fact she was being particularly annoying when my 17 year old was trying to talk to me this morning whilst I was trying to read this blog… RUDE!
Hating guilt rather than yourself is okay as long as you keep sight of what matters to your child. If your child is happy and loves you then a few mistakes here and there aren’t worth obsessing about. We should always want to and try to improve as parents. Guilt is a normal healthy response to doing something wrong. If you don’t experience any guilt/remorse, you’re a psychopath.
In parenting land, there are these things called ‘dads’ too.
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AMAZING. thanks. I needed this. Last night was all of the above + mother in law following me around. I needed this.
I doubt if this stuff is too helpful for mums who are suffering depression. And as a consequence if might not be too good for the children.
Responding to Paul: As a mum who has on and off anxiety and depression, sometimes very severely, I can say that these posts are very helpful indeed for me. And therefore great for my kids. They make me laugh, which is a big deal in itself in a bad patch. They (and the comments) tell me I’m not alone when I feel bad. They give me tips on how to beat myself up less. Peppa pig sausages on world book day was an absolute favourite. They remind me how to be myself (I used to be quite funny before I let guilt and worry and anxiety consume me) and remind me that it’s ok to do really silly stuff sometimes just to make myself laugh. (Taught the toddler some rude words for a few days, which took the edge off the anxiety and made a lot of people laugh). Thanks for making me laugh.
Luckily, if they are not helpful for others, those people can choose not to read them.
I totally disagree with Paul. If it makes you sad & depressed don’t look at it again because you’re outnumbered! It’s brilliant! The absolute best tonic for depression….(speaking as one who knows quite a lot about depression)! There is no better antidote than the ability to laugh at oneself and that is exactly what this gives to me, and by the sound of it, many others. It’s great to know we are not alone. We are not odd or strange or weird or mad! There are lots of us going through it and we all need a good laugh at ourselves…..Bring it on!!
Hi Paul, I’m a mum who’s had depression, both post natal and just the normal old variety.And I find that this blog and and this humour is massively enormously helpful sometimes. and sometimes not and then i don’t read it. and i think its up to everyone individually to decide what is good for us and our children and one thing i know for sure is it doesn’t help when you shut down other people’s stories just in case they might be harmful because the whole point is that there is a whole spectrum of how to get through this parenting malarkey.
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Brilliant!!!
You have put every thought in words so perfectly. Couldn’t agree more.
Absolutely loved this.
In fact I loved it so much I shared it on Facebook with my wonderful wife, Janice. She loved it too.
So we treated ourselves to your book ‘Hurrah for gin’. Which we equally loved. Thank you so much. So many funny anecdotes and images remind us of our own little cheeky madam, Chloe.
Please make more! And maybe a book of guilt fairy and other funnies would be much appreciated too! Thanks for making us laugh so much.
Love it!
Really funny. My friends and I have been joking for years about our cleaning fairys – the ones that come in every day to clean the house, wash dry and fold the washing, shop and cook meals etc. while we’re drinking coffee and reading mags
We do our best to ignore the evil fairy – we have enough neighbours with the evil eye
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