If you are new to parenting you might be under the illusion that it’s all about a bit of trial and error and making decisions that seem best for your kid. Unfortunately it’s not quite as simple as that, you are also required to have an opinion on everyone else’s decisions too!
If you are concerned about not knowing anything about them, their background or current situation, honestly don’t be – in fact that works even better. You see (apart from the childcare bit) parenting Is mostly made up of ramming ill educated opinions and quasi superiority down the throats of others.
Not sure where to start? Here’s a few of the top issues you should be getting offended by: –
- Bottle feeding – I don’t know about you but I get so fed up with all of the lame excuses! Oh you didn’t have enough milk? It was too painful, you have infectious mastitis (again), it’s affecting your mental health bla bla bla. Get the violins out. Could you maybe find it within yourself to put your child’s needs above your own? #selfishcow
- Breastfeeding – obviously I’m massively pro BF (see above) but I can’t shake the feeling that the way some people do it looks almost er… pornographic! I mean there’s a time and a place right? Public toilets for example, or a cupboard. I saw a lady feeding an almost 2 year old the other day, sooooo unnatural. Get him on the bottle love.
- Swearing in front of your kids – I don’t care if it just slipped out. IT’S F*CKING DISGUSTING!
- Stay at home mums – oh dear your house is a tip! Don’t worry I understand, it must be hard to find the time for cleaning in between keeping all of the local coffee shops in business. Honest question – what the hell do you do all day?
- Working mums – It’s all about the nice cars and exotic holidays with you people isn’t it? Another honest question – why did you even bother having kids?
- Dummies – I’m just so sick of being up half the night worrying about the teeth of other people’s children. Just because I’ve never met them doesn’t mean I don’t care about their dental bills.
- Sleep training – Ok I get you’re at breaking point, but it’s not about you any more is it? Sit there and hold your baby ALL NIGHT if you have to, you won’t get that precious time back. I read somewhere sciency once that putting your baby down, like EVER, increases the chance of them becoming an axe wielding psychopath… #truestory
- Junk food – Eating out as a family should be about ordering exotic things off the menu and taking pictures to post on facebook, whether it gets eaten or not is by the by. Keep a super-size bag of budget chicken nuggets in your freezer and your kids can fill their tummies when they get home. If no one sees it, it didn’t happen.
- Food art – Has the world gone mad? Who has the time to carve up bits of carrot into love hearts? A cheese sandwich and a Trio was good enough in my day – stop trying to make everyone else feel bad.
- Reins – what would you rather, parade your kid around on a leash OR let them run into oncoming traffic? No-brainer – your kid is not a dog.
- Tech – You like to use the tablet to get 20 minutes of peace on a long haul flight? I’d like to see you interacting with your child! All this screen time makes me so very, very sad. Do families not talk any more? *dabs eyes with tissue*
- Crafting – I hate lazy people who can’t be bothered to craft with their kids and I also hate people that ram all of their stupid over the top crafty projects down my instagram feed.
- Style – Oh Mummy what’s become of you since you had kids? Do you know what a hair-dryer is these days? Make-up? Would it hurt you to occasionally wear something other than leggings? But obviously don’t go over the top, not like that perfect looking skinny bitch down the park, You know, the one with the non dead eyes, immaculate highlights and ridiculously well behaved children? I HOPE SHE F*CKING DIES.
So there we go. I hope that’s as clear to you as it is to me!
…Although maybe If I’m honest I’m a bit confused because I think I hate everyone now. I wonder if we’d all feel less alone if we could just accept that some people do stuff a little differently?
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)
This made me laugh out loud! x
Bloody brilliant. Maybe they should give this out in pregnancy packs instead of Emma’s Diary.
Bloody Emma’s diary, I felt like such a failure before I worked out it was rubbish! Excellent post – doing stuff by the book is great if you can but the problem with that is that the babies don’t read the books so what works for one might not work for another x
Oh and also “What do you mean your child isn’t getting a perfect score in their spelling and maths quizzes?! …. Hehehe. Never even knew T had them, till her teacher mentioned it! She never mentions anything to us ;)
Great post! Made me laugh a lot!
Fabulous post! It seems that a lot of parents can only reassure themselves that they are doing things “right” if they let everyone else know that they are doing it wrong.
Good luck with the award at Blogfest – will be cheering you on.
Funniest blog post concept EVER!!! So funny xx I love it
The one opinion you should never, ever give is your opinion on how a mum should be parenting her kids if they are older than your own. If you’ve only been a mum for four months, then you’re at the beginning of a rather steep learning curve so please refrain!
You will save yourself quite a few facepalm moments down the road when it’s your child who is (Take your pick) biting, swearing, waking up 17 times in the night for boob, stealing pick n mix, licking public toilet doorhandles, existing purely on chicken nuggets, scratching pictures into your car’s bodywork, or visiting A&E (I was told by a couple that their little darling wouldn’t ever be going there, as if we chose to go there, for shits n giggles)
Swearing? Stealing pick n mix? And existing on chicken nuggets alone? OMG I think my son has a secret twin/doppelgänger. I am so relieved I am not the only one who has this to contend with! :)
LOVE this! Even though I know it’s THEIR issue, I still get a bit flustered. Someone said (passive-aggressively) to my 1 year old twins “Oh. You Mummy isn’t going to make your wear these big coats in this hot weather, is she?” Erm, yeah actually. It’s March and we’re about to leave the building. WTF?!?
So true, love it!
I’ve gone off you since you clearly don’t understand how upsetting it can be for a mum who can’t breast feed her child. Even after going through weeks of expressed feeding, various experts, and painful guilt. Screw off and get back to your fish fingers.
I’m not quite sure if you are serious or not Bella? You know this is a joke piece poking fun at people who judge right? I was than mum who couldn’t breastfeed either which is where those feelings came from x
Think you missed the point of this blog… If Im not mistaken it’s supposed to be taking the mic out of all those people who judge other, I don’t think the person writing this is judging you or any parent, I think their highlighting the insanity of people who do. :o)
I howled x
Bloody love this! “I’m not judging but…” people should be happy people are keeping their kids alive!
Ha ha ha! This made me laugh out loud! Unfortunately it is also too true!
Oh I love it! Especially the contradictory judging, that’s really special :-) I’m with Ella, they should put this in the Bounty packs instead of Emma’s diary!!
So funny and spot on – the world HAS gone mad and I find it ridiculous that people insist on cutting up their child’s sandwiches into the latest animal of choice but seriously? It’s NONE OF MY BUSINESS!
Ahahahaaaaa Katie, THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU.
I’m not sure I understand this post to be honest. Iv found it quite judgemental to read as if you are judging other parents on the way they bring there children up. Sorry just how I feel reading it. Not sure I get it x
Did you read all of it Laura? It’s meant to be sarcastic, a ridiculous take on the fact people criticise from all angles meaning you can’t win! The overall message is live and let live :)
I think you may be missing the point, each judgement has a counter judgement, hence everyone is always offended.
Then author is pointing out the ridiculousness of it.
My belief is we only judge other mums to justify our own parenting skills.
Due of course to the fact that mums are to blame for every annoying, possible psychotic trait a child ever develops.
I always love the parenting advice you get from non-parents. My favourite:
Them: “oh, you look tired”.
Me: “yes, the kids have been getting up at 5”.
Them: “oh dear, have you tried putting them to bed later?”
SOD OFF, I’ve tried everything bar a witch doctor. It’s a wonder mums don’t punch more people.
I read this in leggings with wet hair. Enuf said x
This is brilliant. Thank you for writing it.
Spot on as ever, particularly about how easy it is to judge others by our own (obviously perfect) standards.
Wow- is your real name Kate Winslett! Xx
Why is ‘becoming an axe wielding psychopath’ always sneered upon? It used to be a viable career choice. Every viking settlement had it’s own axe expert…
Love the Craft comment, I’ve blogged about my hatred of crafting with kids
They persist in wanting to destroy my craft hoard.
I love to Instagram pics of us crafting, my followers must think I’m an A1 mum
they just don’t see the big spliff I’m smoking to ease the pain………….
Re psychopaths, a baby massage teacher once told me that promiscuity in teenagers was triggered by not being held enough as a baby. There was a study and everything. Apparently nowadays we’re always putting babies down, because of our selfish insistence on eating, hanging out washing and avoiding permanent back injury. AND THAT’S WHY THE TEEN PREGNANCY RATE IS SO HIGH
Thanks, crazy baby massage lady!
This made me laugh! It’s so true. I had another mother scream in my 18 month old’s face that “he was a nasty little boy” and then when I said I hoped it would never happen to her (he JUST THAT VERY MOMENT discovered flapping his hand up and down. He did it in her boy’s face, caught him on the head before I could get to him up the soft play tower and made him cry) she told me “it never will because I DON’T RAISE MY CHLIDREN TO BE NASTY!!!”. She and all her other friends at the soft play were nodding along (I was on my own with him). I took him out instantly and cried all the way home. Now I’m pregnant with no.3, a lot further along in experience and know that horrible cowbag is hopefully going through the terrible twos now and that her perfect little snowflake has had at least one episode where he’s also made another child cry. I was so shaken I didn’t go back to any groups etc for almost a whole year. I wish I’d read this piece of yours before, it would’ve made me feel so much better because I had no idea in my lonely naievety that other mothers would be so horrible and judgemental!
Sometimes things are said by accident and taken as criticism…. Sometimes with the best intentions in the world you hear yourself saying things….. Me “how old is she?” toddler’s mum “13 months”. Me (totally not thinking), “oh, and she’s not crawling yet?” Really really wishing I could take back what I just said, now in a hole and digging fast….. Happily toddler’s mum is a) fairly secure, b) knows I’m totally mad anyway, c) can see I’m horrifiedby what I just said. Thank you toddler’s mum for forgiving me.