A while back I was in my kitchen looking for my fridge, it took me a good five minutes to find him and when I finally did I was concerned to see he was sobbing his little heart out…
I’M A FRIDGE, LET ME BE A FRIDGE GODDAMIT!!
To cut a long story short he was fed up with being covered in bad drawings of Ninja Turtles, sunshines and stuff no one could could really make head nor tail of. He wanted at least some of his sleek shiny surface back and I had to respect that.
You see we are overrun with crappy artwork in our house, it’s EVERYWHERE and all I can do is hold my hands up and apologise to my fridge (and memo board and walls and shelves) – I’m so sorry guys!
So what to do with all this excess craft?
I had a quick Google and there are lots of options – take pictures and make them into a photo album, use them as wrapping paper, wallpaper your hallway with them, post them to your relatives (bit harsh) but whilst those ideas are lovely, you could also just do something radical like… chuck them?!
I’m going with the
binning recycling option so If you are a piece of art that falls into any of the below categories then du du duuuuuuuuh: –
- Already got it – I have like 300 drawings of Darth Vader and I need another one like I need a hole in the head. Originality please.
- It’s just colouring in – It’s not even in the lines, zero effort made. Bin.
- Offensive – contains graphic content such as body parts being hacked off with machetes.
- Impractical – Oh lovely you made a bird feeder out of an orange juice carton! BUT WHAT IF IT RAINS?! Didn’t think about that did you?! I’m not being mean, just realistic. If you want to see mean try taking it on Dragon’s Den. Use suitable materials or… bin.
- Ridiculous size – Anything that involves milk bottles, cereal boxes or cardboard tubes does not make my heart sing.
- Poorly made – Why can’t kids get the ration of PVA glue right? On one side of the picture there’s a whole massive blob that serves no purpose and will never dry and on the other side there’s a microscopic smidgen under a fistful of sodding lentils. Learn to stick stuff down properly FFS.
- Actually, anything with 3D stuff stuck on can f*ck off – Cotton wool and pasta based creations especially. Also dried up bits of leaves, feathers, pom poms, pipe cleaners, googly eyes… you get my drift. Once we got a collage of a beach made with real sand. I wanted to hurt somebody that day.
- Glitter – it is the work of Satan and there is not place for that type of evil in my home.
- Just really shit – I swear to god sometimes my youngest comes home with an A3 sheet of paper with like one black squiggle across it. The staff at nursery must stand around trying not to piss themselves at collection time – ‘He can’t wait to show you what he did today Mummy!’ (HA HARDY HA!) Not that I can really blame them it’s probably how I’d get my kicks if I were in their shoes.
This is a recreation, the original is in the bin. Obviously.
I’m not a total bitch though. If anything comes home home with ‘Mummy’ written on it then my ego tells me to give it pride of place right in the middle of the fridge (even if it does flout at least 75% of the above rules).
Sorry fridge, I am trying… but look hand prints too!
*melts in puddle on floor*
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)