We’ve been talking about potty training our youngest for a while. He’s 2.5 and to all intents and purposes seems ready. The delay was partly down to the fact that we couldn’t be arsed, obviously there are advantages to ditching the nappies but there are also weeks of dragging around a potty and 5 pairs of trousers which make it slightly less appealing.
However the excuses were running thin on the ground and it was time to man up – we’d read Pirate Pete’s Potty a hundred times and I’d bought stashes of Minion pants (his favourite) from Primark. There was nothing left to do but get on with it…
After taking off his morning nappy I show him his very exciting new pants. However instead of making him happy they just make him VERY angry.He right out refuses to put them on! I manage to negotiate with him and in the end he agrees to put on a pair of his brothers’s old pants with footballs on them. Kids are weird.
The morning goes well with no accidents, he wees on the potty once at home and comes back from a trip to the park, dry. I start feeling a bit smug.
My sister and her girlfriend come down to visit us in the afternoon and J makes a lovely lasagne for us all to enjoy.
And then the boy does a massive wee all over his chair and the floor.
‘Sorry about the wee I hope it doesn’t put you off your lunch!’
It all goes steadily downhill from there.
Next he runs into the garden and pisses all over the decking before proceeding to jump up and down it it with a ludicrous grin on his face, a bit like Peppa Pig on acid.
The afternoon comprises of many more accidents of the no. 1 and 2 variety. #FML
Later on me and the girls go to the pub to catch up, leaving J looking after the kids. It was just for a quick drink, but I don’t get out much and one drink quickly turns into another… you know how it is.
A couple with a dog were sat next to us and we started chatting to them about how lovely their dog was and other stuff that I don’t particularly recall. I’m not quite sure how it all culminated but at some point us and the dog people thought it was a good idea to order Jagerbombs?!
Jagerbombs can be a good idea if you are out dancing. They are not a good idea to have in the pub at 9pm as a nightcap. On a Sunday!
This was one of the craziest nights out I’ve had for a while despite the fact I was in bed by 10.30pm.
I blame the dog.
If you are wondering how all of this is relevant to potty training, see day 2.
I wake up at 4am feeling horrendous. I cannot get back to sleep due to my headache. This is what being old does to you.
What sort of idiots think doing Jagerbombs on a Sunday evening is a good idea?
The boy is still angry about the Minion pants (despite loving Minions) and this coupled with the fact that I cannot face a day of mopping up wee and scraping poo out of pants whilst hungover, means potty training is OVER.
Toddler group is also not happening because blurgh. Instead we sit in the kitchen eating Pickled Onion Monster Munch and putting the world to rights.
Then we watch a Peppa Pig DVD on the sofa, I’ll admit she has her uses god bless her.
It’s a nursery day. I am very tempted to send him in with multiple changes of clothes to see how he gets on – especially as nursery seems to be more effective at parenting him than me. But my heart says he’s not quite ready.
And whilst I’d like to thank one particular lady for her helpful comment that ‘he looks about a year too late to be potty training’ I’d also like to let her know that, that would have made him 18 months old?! And also… MIND YOUR OWN GOD DAMN BUSINESS!
We’ll start again soon, maybe in a couple of months when (hopefully) prancing about in his own urine seems slightly less appealing. Fingers crossed!
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)