Are you finding it difficult to control a wilful child? Are you fed up with buying parenting book after parenting book and still feeling like an utter twat? Would you like to bitch slap super nanny into the middle of next week?
Then why not try…
Parenting With Biscuits promises you happy, compliant and flexible children with a simple ‘Just Add Biscuits’ (#JAB) approach.
- Won’t let you brush their hair #JAB
- Feeling too sick to go to school #JAB
- Refusing to get in the buggy/car #JAB
- Doing a wee wee dance but saying they don’t need the toilet? #JAB
- Repeatedly singing ‘Let it Go’ in an irritating American accent? #JAB
Still a little confused? Don’t worry, the world is made up of people with varying intelligence levels. We answer your stupid FAQs here:
Q: My kids whine all the time and it does my head in. What should I do?
A: Stick biscuits in their gobs.
Q: My daughter won’t eat her vegetables?
A: Yes, because they are not biscuits. Try biscuits!
Q: My son says he doesn’t like school any more…
A: I bet he likes biscuits though! Think about it…
Q: Your method works great until the inevitable sugar crash…
A: This only happens if you stop giving biscuits.
Q: What is the best method for dealing with tantrums?
A: Stand well back and repeatedly hurl chocolate HobNobs until everything goes silent.
Q: Have you ever considered that bribing children into submission is just a temporary fix? I like my kids to behave because they know it’s the right thing to do!
A: F*ck off you smug bastard.
Q: What if… ?
Q: Should I… ?
A: Yes. Biscuits.
A: What part of this are you not getting you daft bint?! JUST ADD BISCUITS.
‘I was really struggling getting my son to put his shoes on in the morning, nothing I tried worked. Then a friend suggested I read ‘Parenting With Biscuits’ and it’s like he’s a different person! These days we are out the door before I’ve even had chance to say ‘Custard Crème!’
‘Revolutionary – best book I’ve ever bought!’
‘Such an inspiring read. I feel the author has really broken the boundaries of parenting literature with this practical and easy to action guide.’
‘I can’t even begin to explain what a difference a packet of Bourbons has made to our family. Thank you so much!’
‘So simple you’ll wonder why you even needed to buy a book on the subject (but obviously you should still buy the book.)’
‘Just. Bloody. Amazing.’
Parenting with biscuits is available from all crappy bookshops now!
Also by the same author:-
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)
HAHA, Brilliant. A great interruption to work this read was. This has to be the most useful parenting book ever! FACT (Mainly because I do this already…. Glad i’m not the only one!)
Ahh thank you! I’d make it into an actual book if i hadn’t just basically said everything i could possibly say about it in a blog post ;)
I can also recommend the sequel….the Sweetie Solution. Brilliant for taming even the most recalcitrant little darling!
I need this book in my life!!
I think you’re on to a winner. I keep reading how a lot of bloggers get book deals – I think you could easily get a three book deal! x
Well I have every other parenting book known to man (except Supernanny) why not add another?! Jammy Dodgers all round? X
Genius – although I have been finding a similar approach works by offering sweeties. Had to do this yesterday when the 3 yo decided he didn’t want to go swimming ‘cos his usual teacher wasn’t there. The promise of sweeties if he ‘went in and did what he was told’ worked like a charm!
LMAO – I love it sugar ;) that is totally my kind of parenting. If I think at any point I may have run out of biscuits I basically just arrange a sleepover at Granny’s. Or anywhere really. I just can’t be around when she notices.
I can see it becoming the New York Times No. 1 Bestseller. I like book n=umber two as well – I’ll work on that advice now xx
I actually think I love you. So you must have made it because now you have a stalker – go you! Am worried I identified way too much with this post… #Ineverleavehomewithoutbourbons
I am already an avid user of the JAB technique. I will by the book for advanced applications.
Haha, bloody brilliant. You make me laugh so much. I’m picturing you signing the book with queues of people lining up to get your book! Hah x
Just hilarious! The hob nob tantrum fix is just gold!
Genius idea , I think this would be a best seller
Oh that’s priceless! And the funniest thing is it’s totally true!! Bribery with biscuits always works!!
Hahaha! Brilliant. Biscuits make everything better. I told you on twitter but J is now your biggest fan- I am getting a little worried about it, he blatantly likes your blog better than mine. Not very loyal! ;) x
Waaahhh! This is so funny. My boy went though a mad biscuit phase so this would have defo worked, now it’s sweets. I love that children are so easily bribed.
Blummin fab, as always xx
Ha ha ha! Yes, biscuits are the answer to everything. I may or may sometimes send Harry to bed with a biscuit…
Love the JAB technique, works every time! After a few rows with my six year old, I neeeed to be reminded of this sound advice! I will not worry any more, just buy more jammy dodgers! X
Brilliant lovely! Hope you’re well xx
I need that gin book in my life.
Great post as always :)
Yes! So simple. So effective.
Love this – absolutely brilliant! Biscuits are definitely the answer to all parenting problems! :-)
This is exactly how I parent!! Love it.
Also – I AM a better person with gin – and so is everyone else. I am drinking one right now and the world is a better place because of it.
Haha! Biscuits are standard procedure in this house for manoeuvring my two year old from A to B! Loving your work as usual :)
This is the parenting book the world has been holding its breath for. I bet even Gwyneth Paltrow who says she doesn’t eat biscuits has a copy hidden somewhere in case of a life threatening ‘I won’t eat more kale porridge’ tantrum.
Soo funny! Love it :)
My daughter has complex needs and is nil-by-mouth. However, I find that the daily trials of parenting (different from the examples mentioned in the post above) are soothed if I eat the biscuits. I buy them in bulk. Dove’s Farm Digestives.
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