I was in the supermarket the other day, raising merry hell about not being allowed to use a Petits Filous as a dip for my KitKat (which was incidentally WELL WITHIN my basic human rights) when I saw another so called ‘toddler’ giving a brief whinge before being placated by a lousy bread-stick. Our predecessors would have been disgusted!
If you are tired, bored, sick of everyone around you or just feeling inherently evil for no reason whatsoever you NEED to make your feelings known. They don’t call it the ‘Terrible Twos’ for nothing – follow my simple guide to making this year horrific…
The How To Properly Sh*t Things Up Manifesto
Keep It Random – Pick two words and run with them. Think wellies in the bath or sleeping with the toilet brush, perhaps someone else looked out of YOUR car window or the cheerios you were served for breakfast seemed annoyingly round?
Be Inconsistent – This morning you understood the benefits of a coat and now if anyone so much as mentions your name and THAT word in the same sentence then you think they should DIE. Stuff changes and that’s totally fine!
Make It Public – If a toddler angrily pelts pieces of wooden train track at playgroup, and there is no one there for them to hit, does anyone require stitches?
Go Naked – Put forward a reasonable request but opt to do it without pants on. Always a winner.
Never Take Responsibility – Run head-first into a table and then blame every f*cker in the vicinity.
Threaten Lives – Your own, other peoples, whatever. Insist on licking all the plug sockets In the house or practise your throw/catch technique with kitchen knives. Much fun :)
Experiment with bad language – Ask for something you want and then compare the response time to that of the same request with swear words up front. If used in the right company I often find that my Quavers will be delivered directly into my gob within 5 seconds flat.
Perfect Your Timing – It can be tempting to peak too soon but if you wait until, for example… they are wandering tirelessly around the IKEA self-serve trying to find the last component of VERY complicated Pax wardrobe system… then you might find this is a good time to feel suddenly and seriously insulted about the colour of the cup that you specifically chose that morning.
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat – Yep they will try and ignore you at first, then they’ll start to laugh. Toddlers can be so funny right! Ha Ha F*CKING HA. Keep going… a bit louder… the laughter is getting more nervous right?
Now they don’t know where to look… Keep going… well done you’ve hit AWKWARD.
Don’t stop! You need to get to the ‘mortifyingly embarrassing’ stage which is usually where you will be picked up and carried away signifying your well earned win.
Seek Out The Enclosed – Do the above but in an inescapable situation. For example, not that I’ve given it much thought (soon as my SELFISH BASTARD parents refuse to take me anywhere near London) BUT a well timed protest shit in a packed out capsule on the Millennium Eye in mid-summer could work well, no?
Think Fruitless – Feeling quite content? Not quite sure what to kick off about? Don’t worry!
It’s always good to bear in mind that contrary to most pursuits you really don’t need to have an end goal. In fact tantrums can work best if you strive to the unobtainable. Think of them as a cathartic release of negative energy.
Finally, If some of the above suggestions are a bit contradictory and confusing – good. The key is to have absolutely no idea about where you are headed – Just make sure you aren’t the only one crying before you stop.
They may confiscate our Cosy Coupes but they will NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)