So Christmas is over. Or at least it is for the kids because by my reckoning all the adults still seem to be living on a diet of oven snacks and prosecco, deluding themselves that it will all be ok if they can manage a dry January, which will NEVER happen.
All in all there were some highs and there were some lows but I learnt a lot.
On Christmas Eve we saw ‘Father Christmas’ fly overhead. It would have been a bit more magical had all the adults not kept using the terms ‘sleigh’ and ‘International Space Station’ interchangeably and nudging each other and laughing when they got it wrong. Lesson one, most things about Christmas are utter b*llshit.On the morning itself I rushed downstairs and to my extreme relief saw that he had been. It seems the repeated threats of ending up on the naughty list didn’t amount to much. MENTAL NOTE: Next year don’t let their ‘he’s always watching’ b*llocks influence your behaviour. Either he didn’t see me decorating mummy’s handbag with cat food or he doesn’t give a rats arse.
Next it was time for Church which if I’m honest, sucked. If they don’t like people repeatedly shouting ‘IS IT TIME TO GO HOME NOW?’ then why the hell do they ring a bell every five seconds. So confusing.Then it was back home for PRESENT OPENING TIME! I adopted my usual smash and grab approach. Basically, open everything as quickly as possible and If you don’t like it throw it across the room, if you do like it saw ‘WOW’ and then throw it across the room.
Dinner was ridiculous, too much of it, too many courses, It only takes me about 5 seconds to eat my two mouthfuls so I have no idea why they would expect me to sit there and look happy with a ridiculous paper hat on my head whilst everyone else does that whole ‘enjoying a nice meal’ thing.
I mean they say that Christmas is for kids but it has become abundantly clear to me that Christmas is actually about busying your kids with new toys and then ignoring them whilst you get pissed.
Boxing day was more of the same but since then everything has gone downhill. There are no more presents and we have to eat actual food again instead of foraging for chocolate on the Christmas tree. Who the hell do they think they are just turning the tap off like that?!
As punishment I get all of my new toys out of their boxes, mix them up into a big soupy mess and then play with my old toys.
Apparently ‘There is too much crap in this house!’ and I agree they do need to get rid of some stuff – furniture, beds, whatever. Just as long as they don’t touch any of my stuff which is all absolutely VITAL.
Daddy’s gone back to work now, he seemed pleased to be out of the way. Mummy looks drained and spends quite a bit of time hiding in a corner stuffing chocolate orange segments into her face when she thinks we can’t see.New Years Eve is tomorrow whatever that means. Mummy said something about this one being OUR year. I think I’ll be the decider on that one LOL.
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)