Catching Kisses

I’m a P/T SAHM, a P/T WM and a P/T WAHM. If you don’t know what any of those stand for then good for you.

I have always felt a very strong need to work, or just engage my brain and passions outside of being a parent. That in itself causes problems in my confused little head.

I wonder if I’m a bad mum because I look forward to having time away from my boys on the days that I work and when I’m at work I feel guilty about leaving them. The stupidest thing of all is that during the time I am supposed to be enjoying away from them, I just end up missing them instead.

That is the great brain f*ck of parenthood.

The need to escape, the guilt, the worry, the constant question that you are not doing a good enough job. How is anyone supposed to make sense of all that stuff?

On the days that I’m home I feel like I should be making it up to them by being the BEST MUM EVER.

But that, um, never happens, because It’s always like I’m hitting my head against a brick wall. I get tired of the lack of co-operation and unwillingness to do anything that isn’t considered fun. I get bored of my own voice repeating the same requests 37 times and still being ignored.

I feel disappointed in myself for shouting too much (again) even when my head is telling me I shouldn’t. Sometimes I wonder, where is the cool, fun mum I envisaged I’d be?

TBH If someone could just invent self applicating kids shoes then that’d help massively.

But alas they still don’t exist and even though in theory I know I should be savouring every god-damn minute I have with my boys (the years go so fast don’t you know?) sometimes I’m just not.

Sometimes the correct response when someone wants to bitch about the mostly insignificant crap in their life, is just ‘yep, that sucks’.

Chanting ‘ENJOY IT, SAVOUR IT, ENJOY IT!’ is basically like smacking someone over the head with a spadeful of additional guilt.

Because it’s hard to appreciate everything you have when your whole household is ill and you’ve been awake since 4.45am and your chest hurts so bad from a cough that won’t let up. Especially if it’s a day when you have to commute up to London – leaving before they go to school and nursery and getting back when they are already asleep in bed.

But in 5 seconds flat two beautiful faces, blowing kisses at me through the window as I leave for my long day away, can right every wrong in the whole world.

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Their view

It’s called precision timing.

For sometimes the biggest one sucks, sometimes the littlest one sucks, sometimes their father sucks, often I suck and sometimes or often, depending on the day, we all roll around in a great big ball of suckiness together.

But it matters not because we love each other regardless.

And love always* overrides suckiness (*at least 97% of the time).

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P.S. I have a new shop and it is OPEN NOW! You can check it out here :)

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30 thoughts on “Catching Kisses

  1. Leila Boukarim

    I have been feeling so bad about myself. I’m at home with them, and some days go by when I feel like I didn’t spend any time with them. None. And then I stay up at night wondering if they’ll grow up to hate me, remembering the times when mom was way too busy doing meaningless things instead of just sitting on the floor with them to play. But then they throw themselves at me and and kiss me and give me the most beautiful smiles and cry for me… And it makes me feel a little better about myself.

    I needed to read this today. Even though today was a good day, but I still needed this.

    Reply
    1. Katie Post author

      So glad it helped Leila – you are not alone. It’s tough but as you say they obviously adore you so you can’t be doing a bad job at all! :) x

      Reply
  2. Notmyyearoff

    Ahhhhh SO bloomin true!!! I am like a stroppy sucky monster after a long day at work and then feel guilty I haven’t thrown myself into a fun kiddie activity. The photos is just so lovely. Those moments do make the suck ones worth it. Mostly. :)

    Reply
  3. Complicated Gorgeousness

    You’ve got this. You’ve totally got it. Don’t ever doubt it. The suckiness is just that old bastard tiredness talking – punch him in the gob! Those boys are just too damn cute. Just think Christmas holidays soon = more lie ins. Hurrah for Lie ins. xx

    Reply
  4. Not A Frumpy Mum

    Love this post. On a Thursday I tend to over compensate for the fact I work the other 4 days of the week. Today we have been off to make Christmas baubles and plates, been to Pizza Hut for lunch and then a country walk. All I needed to do was go to the supermarket to get dinner and I go from happy mum to crazy, shouty mum as soon as we walk through the doors. Suddenly all tiredness O had vanishes and he’s running round the shop like a gremlin! Little monster! x

    Reply
  5. Kerrie McGiveron

    I feel like a massive sh*t 84.3% of the time. But I know that it’s just my mind on overtime – we all need a break sometimes. And kisses do make it all better. See also chocolate, wine and Christmas holidays watching Frozen with the kids. Do your boys like Frozen? My girls are OBSESSED. xxx

    Reply
  6. Laura

    So true! Constant guilt… thinking you are being a bad mum for working and a bad mum when you are at home and you aren’t doing finger painting/making sock puppets/doing some educative with them because sometimes you just want to put cbeebies on for half an hour to have some downtime! And secretly being pleased when bedtime on your day off or the weekend rolls around, but then standing over your sleeping child thinking how blummin amazing they are, and how you can’t wait for that cuddle first thing tomorrow morning. There must be a scientific reason why feel like this?!

    Reply
    1. Katie Post author

      Must be! I think it’s all normal tbh – just often people don’t say it so you think you are the only one! x

      Reply
  7. Hannah6degrees

    ditto ditto ditto…two boys, part time mum, part time worker, shouty mum, lack of cooperation from said boys, repeat myself, might as well talk to myself, leaving the house…. kisses blown from naked boys! perfect life now!
    Love love love this blog so true of many of our lives and loves. Hx. ps having a gin!

    Reply
  8. Honest mum

    Gosh love this so much, the conundrum of wanting and needing to work shouldn’t induce guilt yet it does and we should beat it down but parenthood is tough and relentless and often work is a break. I live for my boys but I know to be sane, aside from needing to financially, I have to work. It makes me a better mum. Thsnks for this post, some days I feel I’m sucking at everything too x

    Reply
  9. Adele

    Ah I’m having one of those days or too….feeling like I suck at everything really but mostly feeling like failing as a mum, so so fed up of having to repeat myself over and over and over again and feel like the worst monster in the world for shouting, feel rubbish for doing housework and not playing more and I suppose it will get worse when I go back to work. I’ve been a single mum for 2 years now and wish sometimes I had someone else to go do the housework so I could just sit down with G. I wish that she would just listen and do what she’s told hence no need for shouty mum ever, I wish I didn’t forget things, I wish I was perfect at everything like so many blogging mummys appear to be. I need some sleep. You do too! I hope you feel better soon x

    Reply
  10. Becky

    You got it nailed once again hon! :-) The balance is a nightmare – and guilt is an inescapable life partner! I find it impossible NOT to set myself these HIGH STANDARDS that I never cease to fail myself on…I tell myself it’s cos I am not a natural mother and I do OTHER things that make me a good mum…..

    However there is an upside I’d like to share…..Sharing the load and knowing you are not alone…..

    As a severely open and honest person I share my failures with most anyone who will listen – and as a result hear an abundance of failure stories back! I love it – it’s liberating, people you thought were the perfect mum, telling you all these awful things they’ve done – BRILLIANT! :-)

    ….but I know that lots of us aren’t naturally that way inclined////
    .. we live in a positive spin bubble, telling ourselves, our hubbies/boyfriends/whatevs that we are ALL FINE and we ARE ALL DOING GREAT! – and we did not totally f*CK up today NO no no NO!…. it’s all good….then what happens?:
    …we begin to believe our own lies and those around us but NOT living in our house begin to believe our sh*t and think we are better than we really are….then what else – we have to live up to their expectations and clean every time they come over and talk softly to our kids in front of them like you’ve never raised your voice to them ever!? Right? WHAT’S THE POINT IN THAT? I NEED REAL FRIENDS< friends who know me, and except me for the mum I am!!

    So….let's all do it – let's tell everyone and anyone who'll listen all the areas we fail in: discipline, hygiene, patience at 'reading time', culinary expertise and more…. honestly it's downright liberating and my my don't we start to hear some pretty rum tales or two in return; forgotten assemblies, re-gifting for parties, hung over/still slightly drunk school runs, unharnessed kids in car, briber/financial BRIBERY…and so on. Give it a try I dare yoU! ;-)

    Reply
    1. Katie Post author

      You are so right Becky and that is what in part this blog is for – laughing at the hard times rather than crying! xxx

      Reply
  11. Seychellesmama

    This! Exactly this!!!! There is nothing worse than being told to savour ever second when your kids are painting with their own poo or flinging food or screaming at an omelette (uhhh this happened to a friends kid….not mine, definitely not mine….)
    But then the little buggers, I mean, darlings fix it all with something so sickly sweet you have to forgive them…..they are smarter than we think!!!!

    Loved this!

    Reply
  12. Carie

    I don’t think there is a solution – isn’t that depressing in itself that we’ve been so conditioned by being told not that we can have it all but that we ought to that if we’re not simultaneously being a high flying working mum and a sunshine and unicorns stay at home wrong we’re doing it all wrong and our children are doomed! All we can do is make the best decision out of the available options and aim for contentment, but I know what you mean – ~I miss the children when they’re away and then wonder if I would be being a lousy role model if I was at home full time and that’s before we’ve got anywhere near what my brain needs!

    Reply
  13. Life at the Little Wood

    Such a lovely post Katie – even though I know you’re maybe not feeling it! It absolutely DOES suck sometimes – none of us have got it totally sussed. I think we all just muddle through in our own chaotic wee ways. I’m constantly feeling guilty about one thing or another – I’m sure it won’t ever stop you know! Big hugs to you my sweet xxx

    Reply
  14. Jude

    This is such a honest post and one that I’m sure all of us can relate to. Guilt. It’s the curse of motherhood. Thank goodness there’s enough chinks of light to keep us going. I’m a big believer in settling for ‘good enough’. And telling myself they’ll thrive despite me, cos that’s what they are born to do. You’re awesome honey. xxx

    Reply
  15. Katie @mummydaddyme

    Completely agree with this especially the last paragraph. We generally never seem to all flow well at the same times, but the times we do it’s AMAZING. Most of the time at least one of us sucks though! It’s hard- I feel guilty about 99% of the time. Every night I say to myself I am going to be a better Mum today and not look at my phone as much, pay more attention or play more games. But inevitably it doesn’t always happen. It’s hard. But deep down I know I am a good Mum. x

    Reply
  16. Victoria

    so good to read this! Full time working, single Mum to a gorgeous now 7 year old. Goes to his Daddy’s alternate weekends Fri- Mon morning so def feel like I just don’t get enough quality time with him and during the week getting in at 6pm every night- I find myself exhausted and snappy some nights. Can so relate to your blog

    Reply
  17. Victoria

    so good to read this! Full time working, single Mum to a gorgeous now 7 year old. Goes to his Daddy’s alternate weekends Fri- Mon morning so def feel like I just don’t get enough quality time with him and during the week getting in at 6pm every night- I find myself exhausted and snappy some nights. Can so relate to your blog

    Reply
    1. Katie Post author

      Thank you Victoria. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job. It must be really hard being a single parent so harts off to you xxx

      Reply
  18. brummymummyof2

    Oh bab. They get you don’t they the little buggers. With a word. Or a look. Or a little kiss. I just said to my girl enjoy your last night as a toddler 4 tomorrow! And she wept and wept and then I wept. It was just a little moment I will always remember. Sigh. I love work and I need work but I love coming home and them screaming my name xxxxxx

    Reply
  19. jenny

    I love this Katie, and so very true. We have had a lot of suckiness in the family all at once lately too. It happens and it’s life but it’s those moments we all are on the same page that are so beautiful and worth and make it all worth while. Last paragraph is brilliant and sums it up perfectly! Love the way you write sorry haven’t commented in a while I have been so very ill lately. Hoping Christmas is a healthy one for us all! Happy Holidays!

    Reply

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