When my oldest son dropped all daytime sleeps before his second birthday I assumed that such a gross injustice could only be explained as a blip in the great scheme of fair nap distribution. This time around I realise there is no such scheme.
Over the last week we have had a 2/7 success rate with the toddlers naps which can only mean one thing – they are on their way out *sobs into gin*
I just don’t get it! If only I could ask him what the hell is going on in his head…
Me: So um, I was wondering… why don’t you want to nap any more?
Toddler: Things to do, people to see. You know how it is when you’re 21 months old. The world is so fresh and EXCITING!
Me: Most other kids your age nap you know…
Toddler: Most other kids my age are pansies.
Me: Napping is not a sign of weakness, a nice post lunch snooze is very normal.
Toddler: F*ck normal.
Me: The baby books suggest most kids…
Toddler: F*ck the baby books.
Me… continue napping until around 3!
Toddler: What don’t you get here? NAPS ARE FOR CHUMPS!
Me: You’d feel a lot better if you napped you know…
Toddler: You’d feel a lot better if you stopped being so bloody anal about napping!
Me: I wish I could have a nap.
Toddler: Here we go again… ‘Woe is me, boo hoo hoo, FML’. If you don’t stop banging on I’ll change my wake up time to 4am.
Me: Ok ok lets not do anything drastic! It’s just I really think, that at your age…
Toddler: Oh cut the crap. We both know who you are thinking about here. Who benefits most from my naps huh? HUH??
Me: I don’t know what you mean?
Toddler: I see you nervously clutching Stylist Magazine and eyeing the Sky box. You look like you need a wee too… waiting until I go to sleep so you can do it on your own per chance?
Me: That’s just ridiculous. You make it sound like going to the loo on my own would be a luxury!
Toddler: Would it?
Me: Well yes but…
Toddler: Come on, what’ve you got loaded up on that thing? Last night’s Geordie Shore, The Apprentice? Hoping to drink a nice cup of coffee without having to microwave it three times are we?
Me: I’m only ever thinking about you!
Toddler: Right I’m not napping OK so don’t bother. If you put me in my cot I’ll just go f*cking mental and throw myself over the side. And you don’t want to be having to explain yourself down A&E again do you?
Toddler: Good. So let’s make this EVEN clearer for you. I nap at nursery, I eat at nursery. I don’t nap at home and I don’t eat at home! Got it?
Me: Well sort of but, um, just wondering if you would consider swapping that around so you do the cooperative things at home?
Toddler: What do you think?
Toddler: Good. Sorted. OK park time – lets’ do this!
Me: But it’s raining?
Toddler: I SAID IT’S PARK TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: People look at me weirdly when we are the only ones stupid enough to go to the park in the rain…
Toddler: Mac. On. Now.
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)