On one morning over the weekend I like to have a nice relaxing bath. All going to plan this involves lots of bubbles, a cup of coffee from the machine with actual frothy milk and the Guardian weekend magazine.
However it very rarely goes to plan.
Pretty much as soon as i sink into the bubbles I hear the sound of elephant feet pounding up the stairs and a booming voice in the distance.
‘F where are you going, please stay down here. I told you Mummy is trying to have a nice bath’
‘But I just have to talk to her about something Daddy. It’s important!’
[Elephant feet recommence and grow steadily louder – enter eldest son]
‘Mummy I just need to talk to you about something!’
‘Ok, whats that?’
‘Um, um, um…Do you think Lightning McQueen or Francesco Bernoulli is the fastest?’
‘Yep me too! Oh…do you need some toys in there Mummy?’
‘But you’ve got nothing to play with! I’ll just put some boats in for you and, and do you want the fireman Sam that transforms into a fire engine in too?
[Various toys are chucked into the bath]
‘Mummy how far do you think you could thrown Thomas the Tank Engine? Could you hit the taps with him’
‘We don’t throw inside do we?’
‘Do you want me to wash your hair Mummy?’
[Shampoo is applied generously before he proceeds to whack me on the top of the head three times]
‘There you go, nice and clean and smelling nice!’
‘Mummy did you know your legs make a good boat launcher?’
‘Yes, I’ve had that said a few times’
‘Mummy, can you lift your bum up Mummy? I think Thomas might be under it’
[Thomas is retrieved]
‘Here you go’
‘Submarines are really cool aren’t they Mummy?’
‘Mummy why don’t mans have boobies?’
I don’t even know why I bother describing baths as relaxing anymore, they should just be called ‘random wet harassment with sharp bits’.
Although to be honest I’m not entirely sure which version I prefer, I might just be keener on the company than i let on.
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)