You can find a million and one web pages and books dedicated to listing what your baby should be doing and by what age. It’s almost as if people spend more time reading about milestones than they do actually trying to teach their kids the required skills to achieve them.
Mum: I’m panicking, I’m panicking! he should be clapping by now!
Other person who talks sense: Don’t worry all babies do things at their own pace.
Mum: But people are going to think he’s stupid!
Other person who talks sense: Well what does he do when you show him how to clap?
Mum: I don’t know because I spend all day on BabyCentre freaking out. Surely they just learn it from cbeebies anyway? They never seem to stop bloody clapping on that (true).
What i don’t get is why people are so concerned with all the boring, run of the mill milestones anyway. Yes clapping’s nice but I’d much rather have a timeline of events detailing when they might start to f*ck me over.
To be honest I couldn’t give a rats arse when my son masters the pincer grip, how about someone tells me when he will start nicking money out my handbag?
I know roughly when I might expect to hear the word ‘Mama‘ but why do none of the books tell me the average age i might expect to get daily threats of violence against my person.
Who cares when they start sitting? What i want to know is when do they start hitting!
At 6 months they might cut their first tooth but when will they bite hard enough to draw blood?
Stacking cups is all well and good but what age might you expect them to swear at you in public?
Whoop dee doo they can grasp a toy!
WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO BE ABLE TO GRASP REALITY?!?!?
I want conversations like this to be more socially acceptable…
Other mum: Our sons look similar ages, how old is yours?
Me: 16 months
Other mum: Such a great age isn’t it.
Me: SO great.
Other mum: He’s started putting 3 words together now, it’s pretty amazing.
Me: Yep pretty amazing. Can he drag a stool over to the front door, unlatch it and let himself out?
Other mum: um, no…
Me: hmm sounds like a bit of an idiot then.
The only advice i have to offer is that if by 18 months of age your kid has not smashed the screen of your iphone by throwing it across the room in a furious rage then maybe its worth getting them assessed for developmental delay.
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)