Today is 4 years since we said goodbye to you.
I still think about you, although not many people would realise that or understand. I still wonder what if? Every time I read in the paper of a baby who defied the odds and survived I wonder if the doctors may have got it wrong in our case.
Should we have given you a chance – didn’t you at least deserve a chance?
You looked perfect to me on the scan. I breathed a deep sigh of relief to see your little heart beating away. Your perfect little hands and feet waving around and your face, so beautiful, with a little button nose.
But they saw what we could not – we needed more tests, more scans. We spent weeks in limbo, not knowing, it was the worst kind of hell.
It wasn’t a shock to get the call to give your diagnosis, you wouldn’t live, you couldn’t survive. I already knew that in my heart.
I’ve cried a million tears for you my baby girl that never was. My little Evie, my little star.
And I’m so deeply sorry that you never got to be any more than a black and white photo.
**************P.S. My new book The Catastrophic Friendship Fails of Lottie Brooks is out on the 3rd March 2022! It's aimed at 9-12 year olds and you can buy it here :)